I began writing this blog in March 2023. At the time, I believed I was ready to share this part of my journey. But when the words would not come, I understood that it was not time yet. I chose to tuck it away, trusting that more living and deeper understanding were still needed.
Today is April 10, 2026, and the words have finally emerged. With them comes a readiness to continue sharing my healing journey with you.
In 2017, I shared my first blog and vlog, combining video with written reflections about helping our youth see every experience as a learning opportunity. Creating Cope Consulting LLC has been a learn by doing experience that has allowed me to continue growing, learning, and moving forward in my own self actualization.
In one of my early reflections that same year, I wrote about the importance of listening to our intuitive heart voice. At the time, I understood this concept intellectually. I did not yet realize how deeply life would require me to embody it.
In a later blog, I shared that at age 12, I knew I was here to help every hurting child. I had already reached the esteem needs in Maslow’s hierarchy before leaving the school district on what Grof and Grof (1990) describe as a stormy search for the self, a vision quest to learn how to care for my family and myself.
Knowing my earthly mission at 12 sounds unbelievable. As I navigated life, I found that no one I encountered had the same intensity or clarity about their purpose. This led me to question myself deeply. Was I crazy? My greatest fear was being institutionalized.
As my life unfolded, pushing through my own personal challenges and fears allowed me to positively influence every aspect of education I was called to serve. As difficult and overwhelming as the work often was, I felt fulfilled in knowing I was being true to my calling.
I was helping every hurting child I touched, but ignoring the hurting child within me. My ego told me that since I was fortunate enough to know my purpose, it was my responsibility to carry it, no matter the cost.
I tried to address my pain layer by layer, making changes along the way, but I would eventually return to the same pattern, leaving my spirit depleted.
After becoming a mother, I became more efficient in my work, believing that if I kept up the pace, eventually there would be space to care for myself. Then my son began struggling in school, and the list only grew longer. There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel.
Eventually, my body could not keep up with the demands of my life as an educator. I began experiencing debilitating sinus infections. I did not feel I could take time off.
My ego and my amygdala, the fear voice, told me, “They need you.”
So I would go to the doctor in my depleted state and say, “Fix me.”
This led to two pivotal wake up calls and a third that is now allowing me to share my healing journey with you.
Today is April 10, 2026, and the words have finally emerged. With them comes a readiness to continue sharing my healing journey with you.
In 2017, I shared my first blog and vlog, combining video with written reflections about helping our youth see every experience as a learning opportunity. Creating Cope Consulting LLC has been a learn by doing experience that has allowed me to continue growing, learning, and moving forward in my own self actualization.
In one of my early reflections that same year, I wrote about the importance of listening to our intuitive heart voice. At the time, I understood this concept intellectually. I did not yet realize how deeply life would require me to embody it.
In a later blog, I shared that at age 12, I knew I was here to help every hurting child. I had already reached the esteem needs in Maslow’s hierarchy before leaving the school district on what Grof and Grof (1990) describe as a stormy search for the self, a vision quest to learn how to care for my family and myself.
Knowing my earthly mission at 12 sounds unbelievable. As I navigated life, I found that no one I encountered had the same intensity or clarity about their purpose. This led me to question myself deeply. Was I crazy? My greatest fear was being institutionalized.
As my life unfolded, pushing through my own personal challenges and fears allowed me to positively influence every aspect of education I was called to serve. As difficult and overwhelming as the work often was, I felt fulfilled in knowing I was being true to my calling.
I was helping every hurting child I touched, but ignoring the hurting child within me. My ego told me that since I was fortunate enough to know my purpose, it was my responsibility to carry it, no matter the cost.
I tried to address my pain layer by layer, making changes along the way, but I would eventually return to the same pattern, leaving my spirit depleted.
After becoming a mother, I became more efficient in my work, believing that if I kept up the pace, eventually there would be space to care for myself. Then my son began struggling in school, and the list only grew longer. There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel.
Eventually, my body could not keep up with the demands of my life as an educator. I began experiencing debilitating sinus infections. I did not feel I could take time off.
My ego and my amygdala, the fear voice, told me, “They need you.”
So I would go to the doctor in my depleted state and say, “Fix me.”
This led to two pivotal wake up calls and a third that is now allowing me to share my healing journey with you.
Episode #1
At the time, I was teaching 80 percent of the day and spending 20 percent at the district office, being mentored to become a district wide teacher support coach. I developed a severe sinus infection that would not respond to antibiotics. I was prescribed Augmentin, a stronger form of amoxicillin.
Instead of improving, my condition worsened. I could not keep anything down. My mom took me to the emergency room, where doctors discovered my liver was failing.
As they worked to determine the cause, they gave me Dilaudid for the pain. I will never forget that first injection. My mental list disappeared. Nothing hurt. For the first time in my life, I was completely at ease.
I remember thinking that I was grateful to know my life’s purpose, because if I did not, I would want to feel like this all the time.
As the week progressed, each subsequent Dilaudid injection brought intense itching that required Benadryl. Eventually, it was determined that I was allergic to Augmentin. As the medication was flushed from my system, I began to heal.
From this experience, I learned two profound lessons. I needed to take care of myself so I would not reach that point again, and I developed deep empathy for those who turn to substances for relief from their pain and suffering.
At the time, I was teaching 80 percent of the day and spending 20 percent at the district office, being mentored to become a district wide teacher support coach. I developed a severe sinus infection that would not respond to antibiotics. I was prescribed Augmentin, a stronger form of amoxicillin.
Instead of improving, my condition worsened. I could not keep anything down. My mom took me to the emergency room, where doctors discovered my liver was failing.
As they worked to determine the cause, they gave me Dilaudid for the pain. I will never forget that first injection. My mental list disappeared. Nothing hurt. For the first time in my life, I was completely at ease.
I remember thinking that I was grateful to know my life’s purpose, because if I did not, I would want to feel like this all the time.
As the week progressed, each subsequent Dilaudid injection brought intense itching that required Benadryl. Eventually, it was determined that I was allergic to Augmentin. As the medication was flushed from my system, I began to heal.
From this experience, I learned two profound lessons. I needed to take care of myself so I would not reach that point again, and I developed deep empathy for those who turn to substances for relief from their pain and suffering.
Episode #2
I was now working at the district office as a Teacher on Special Assignment, supporting both new and experienced teachers through induction programs, as well as leading the Gifted Program, later renamed Advanced Learner Programs and Services under my leadership.
Once these programs were established, I was asked to add parent support to my list of duties. Because this aligned with my mission of helping every hurting child, I could not say no.
I was repeating the same pattern that had led to my first near death experience, but I continued to push forward.
I completed my master’s degree in Innovative Learning, and shortly after, another sinus infection arrived. Unable to take amoxicillin, I was prescribed prednisone. At first, it seemed to work. Then the headaches returned. My dosage was increased, and for a brief moment, I felt like I was improving.
Then everything shifted.
I began to feel disconnected from my body. After taking a nap, I was found in a catatonic state and rushed by ambulance to Queen of the Valley Hospital in Napa. As a Kaiser patient, they did not have my medical records.
The doctors were not sure what was wrong, so I was sent to an inpatient mental health hospital in Oakland. My worst fear was realized, but surprisingly, I found others like me. They were there due to stress or mental health induced breakdowns, addictions to drugs they hoped would ease their pain and suffering, or a need for psychiatric medication adjustments.
This time, it was determined that I was allergic to prednisone. As the medication left my system and I began focusing on my mental health, my stability was restored.
From this experience, I was again reminded of the need to care for myself. I also learned that facing my worst fear was a gift that brought empathy and understanding to my fellow sensitive humans and the journeys that brought them to a mental health hospital. It also enabled me to build Cope Consulting LLC.
I was now working at the district office as a Teacher on Special Assignment, supporting both new and experienced teachers through induction programs, as well as leading the Gifted Program, later renamed Advanced Learner Programs and Services under my leadership.
Once these programs were established, I was asked to add parent support to my list of duties. Because this aligned with my mission of helping every hurting child, I could not say no.
I was repeating the same pattern that had led to my first near death experience, but I continued to push forward.
I completed my master’s degree in Innovative Learning, and shortly after, another sinus infection arrived. Unable to take amoxicillin, I was prescribed prednisone. At first, it seemed to work. Then the headaches returned. My dosage was increased, and for a brief moment, I felt like I was improving.
Then everything shifted.
I began to feel disconnected from my body. After taking a nap, I was found in a catatonic state and rushed by ambulance to Queen of the Valley Hospital in Napa. As a Kaiser patient, they did not have my medical records.
The doctors were not sure what was wrong, so I was sent to an inpatient mental health hospital in Oakland. My worst fear was realized, but surprisingly, I found others like me. They were there due to stress or mental health induced breakdowns, addictions to drugs they hoped would ease their pain and suffering, or a need for psychiatric medication adjustments.
This time, it was determined that I was allergic to prednisone. As the medication left my system and I began focusing on my mental health, my stability was restored.
From this experience, I was again reminded of the need to care for myself. I also learned that facing my worst fear was a gift that brought empathy and understanding to my fellow sensitive humans and the journeys that brought them to a mental health hospital. It also enabled me to build Cope Consulting LLC.
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Episode #3
This chapter begins with my dear dad and the deep bond we share. We are both dyslexic and had a difficult time academically in school. We both have strong emotional intelligence and are good with people. He is one of the most positive people I have ever met. Through his modeling, he taught me how to play the game of life.
In 2020, my dad got COVID. Symptoms of word finding difficulty and frustration began. I wondered if a minor stroke had occurred or if he was experiencing Long COVID. The confusion steadily progressed. After receiving MRI and PET scan results in 2024, there was no evidence of a stroke, but rather age related vascular changes and brain shrinkage due to Alzheimer’s.
When I read the results, I was devastated. I was thrown into a loop of future thinking, and I felt my optimistic outlook shaken. When I shared the results with my dad, his attitude was, “It is what it is.” Instead of staying stuck in that spiral, I immediately began shifting my focus to the bright spots of the present moment, just as my dad had taught me.
In June 2022, our son graduated from Napa High School and launched into independence, and my dad was able to be there for his graduation. I could clearly see how my decision to leave the school district had benefited my family.
By 2025, fatigue and exhaustion set in once again from running my business and caring for the increasing complexity of my dad’s needs. I realized I was losing my way again, returning to a familiar place that had once led to the creation of Cope Consulting LLC.
Life has often felt like two steps forward and four steps back, exhausting, yet also a path that continues to deepen my learning and empathy.
This journey, frustrating as it has been, brought me back to my intuitive heart voice. This time, I knew my calming tools needed another layer of support.
I lessened my workload. I returned to therapy. I revisited my medication plan with my psychiatrist. I reengaged with my Insight Timer meditation practice, added Calm’s daily reflections, and incorporated EMDR listening therapy into my routine.
My goal for my 55th year is to release my role as the constant problem solver and instead accept others and myself as we are in the present moment, trusting in the unfolding of life.
This chapter begins with my dear dad and the deep bond we share. We are both dyslexic and had a difficult time academically in school. We both have strong emotional intelligence and are good with people. He is one of the most positive people I have ever met. Through his modeling, he taught me how to play the game of life.
In 2020, my dad got COVID. Symptoms of word finding difficulty and frustration began. I wondered if a minor stroke had occurred or if he was experiencing Long COVID. The confusion steadily progressed. After receiving MRI and PET scan results in 2024, there was no evidence of a stroke, but rather age related vascular changes and brain shrinkage due to Alzheimer’s.
When I read the results, I was devastated. I was thrown into a loop of future thinking, and I felt my optimistic outlook shaken. When I shared the results with my dad, his attitude was, “It is what it is.” Instead of staying stuck in that spiral, I immediately began shifting my focus to the bright spots of the present moment, just as my dad had taught me.
In June 2022, our son graduated from Napa High School and launched into independence, and my dad was able to be there for his graduation. I could clearly see how my decision to leave the school district had benefited my family.
By 2025, fatigue and exhaustion set in once again from running my business and caring for the increasing complexity of my dad’s needs. I realized I was losing my way again, returning to a familiar place that had once led to the creation of Cope Consulting LLC.
Life has often felt like two steps forward and four steps back, exhausting, yet also a path that continues to deepen my learning and empathy.
This journey, frustrating as it has been, brought me back to my intuitive heart voice. This time, I knew my calming tools needed another layer of support.
I lessened my workload. I returned to therapy. I revisited my medication plan with my psychiatrist. I reengaged with my Insight Timer meditation practice, added Calm’s daily reflections, and incorporated EMDR listening therapy into my routine.
My goal for my 55th year is to release my role as the constant problem solver and instead accept others and myself as we are in the present moment, trusting in the unfolding of life.
Closing Reflection
I am learning to release control and surrender to the natural flow of life. I am beginning to recognize the patterns, what can be changed and what must be, at least for now, painfully accepted within this present moment of our evolution.
There is comfort in remembering that everything is impermanent.
Returning to both my old and newly discovered calming tools each day is my commitment to protecting my mental health and well being. It is how I nurture the part of me that still believes in hope, ensuring that my outlook on the future remains grounded in optimism.
The way is through.
Trusting how our stars connect… always.
I am learning to release control and surrender to the natural flow of life. I am beginning to recognize the patterns, what can be changed and what must be, at least for now, painfully accepted within this present moment of our evolution.
There is comfort in remembering that everything is impermanent.
Returning to both my old and newly discovered calming tools each day is my commitment to protecting my mental health and well being. It is how I nurture the part of me that still believes in hope, ensuring that my outlook on the future remains grounded in optimism.
The way is through.
Trusting how our stars connect… always.
References
Grof, C., and Grof, S. (1990). The stormy search for the self: A guide to personal growth through transformational crisis. J. P. Tarcher.
Grof, C., and Grof, S. (1990). Spiritual emergency: A guide to personal growth through transformational crisis. J. P. Tarcher.
Maslow, A. H. (1973). The farther reaches of human nature. Viking Press.
Moorjani, A. (2022). Dying to be me: My journey from cancer to near death to true healing. Hay House.
Moorjani, A. (2022). Sensitive is the new strong: The power of empaths in an increasingly harsh world. Simon and Schuster.
Grof, C., and Grof, S. (1990). The stormy search for the self: A guide to personal growth through transformational crisis. J. P. Tarcher.
Grof, C., and Grof, S. (1990). Spiritual emergency: A guide to personal growth through transformational crisis. J. P. Tarcher.
Maslow, A. H. (1973). The farther reaches of human nature. Viking Press.
Moorjani, A. (2022). Dying to be me: My journey from cancer to near death to true healing. Hay House.
Moorjani, A. (2022). Sensitive is the new strong: The power of empaths in an increasingly harsh world. Simon and Schuster.
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